The other day before spin class I ran into younger slackbrother j., who had locked his keys in his car. I used a card in my wallet to jimmy open the car. That card, of course, being my AAA card. (But lockpicking is still on the list.) I had told j. about my PAW idea a few days previous, and imagined he had had a moment to check out the site.
You know what you need? he asked me.
What?
Books, like those SAS Manuals.
You haven't even looked at the site yet.
No, but I have a bunch of ideas, he told me. You should train like the Navy SEALS.
You should just check out the site. I have a training plan, I said in the most patient tone I could muster.
Oh, and get some other elite training. Like crossbows and hand-to-hand combat and stuff.
You should just check out the site, I told him again.
And you should rockclimb.
Check out the site, I repeated, bordering on annoyed.
Oh, and the apocalypse is gonna be a desert, so you should train for the heat.
I snapped. Oh really, how the f#%@ do you know that?
Okaaaaay Sarah Connor.
Yeah, laugh it up, future cannibal food.
I'll be fine, he told me. I have you!
(From here.)
I can probably speak to this with more authority than your average reader, as I have a few years experience killing things with this stuff, so a word to the wise on weaponry: disregard what Brooks says in the Guide. Ignore everything that Hollywood has told you.
Forget about crossbows as zombie defence weapons!
They are cumbersome, slow to reload (and any reasonably powerful crossbow will also take considerable upper body strength to reload, or, if you're using a winch, even more time), short ranged, inaccurate, and their ammunition is bulky. Their only advantage over firearms is that they are much quieter. An entertaining and little-known drawback to crossbows is that if a bow limb strikes a branch or tree trunk when firing, it can knock you right out of your treestand (with disastrous consequences if you've been treed by zombies).
The same goes for compound bows. The little hand crossbows are toys for Mall Ninjas and are basically useless against zombies at anything but point-blank; I've bounced a bolt from a hand crossbow off a dead, soft-barked poplar at twenty meters; the bolt just would not penetrate to the wood; all it would do to a zombie would be to annoy it.
Archery gear is great for hunting deer from treestands; you let the deer get really close, and then put a bolt or arrow with a broadhead (an arrowhead with multiple razor-sharp blades) through the deer's cardiovascular system. It then bleeds out as it runs away. No responsible hunter takes a headshot with archery equipment; skulls are hard and deer brains are small. And you don't get the time for a second shot.
If it weren't for the fact that you don't need a gun license for archery gear, and that archery hunting seasons typically last for months, as opposed to a couple of weeks for guns, crossbows and compound bows wouldn't be anywhere near as popular as they are.
Firearm selection for zombie defence is a complicated topic, depending on whether you espouse the Romero slow-zombie theory of zombie dynamics, or the (in my view, erroneous) fast-zombie theory, but I'd be happy to share my thoughts on the topic if you like.
Posted by: Fearsclave | January 10, 2008 at 03:07 PM
@Fearsclave: I imagine as I get farther into this these are lessons I'll learn. However, I would like to stress that this isn't just a zombie workout (I picked zombieworkout.com 'cause it was shorter and more clever the thepostapocalypticworkout.com) but ideally will cover multiple scenarios.
The hunting issue will also come up later (as in "going vegetarian" ;)) But I'm getting ahead of myself...
Posted by: the slackmistress | January 10, 2008 at 03:15 PM
Maybe you should add "how to use a gieger counter" to your list, since there is a strong possibility the end of the world could be from nuclear fallout.
Posted by: Complete Geek | January 10, 2008 at 04:03 PM
Oh man, lockpicking of deadbolts and padlocks is super easy. I've taught people how to do it in less than 10 minutes.
You need to read the first couple chapters of this: http://www.capricorn.org/~akira/home/lockpick/
Get a real basic set of picks (as you'll kinda find your favorite 2-3 and stick to them - the 87-tool kit is overkill):
http://www.lockpicks.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=502
Get maybe one or two cut-away learner locks:
http://www.lockpicks.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWCATS&Category=313
And hop to. Once you get past the practice locks, just get a couple of Master Padlocks (#1 and #3 are both good starters) and you'll be opening every filing cabinet from here to Seattle within a week.
For cars, just use a tennisball. :)
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/410981/blondie_unlocks_car/
(note: haven't tried this yet!)
Posted by: Gnat! | January 10, 2008 at 04:26 PM
Ah, well, at least the impending apocolypse will kill all the idiots
Posted by: astrothsknot | January 10, 2008 at 05:03 PM
@Complete Geek: If the world comes to an end via a nuclear attack, the common military doctrine of Mutually-Assured Destruction ensures that no amount of survival training will protect you.
However, being able to use a geiger-counter is still a good skill to have because there's a good chance that in an apocalypse scenario all the nuclear power reactors that don't get shut down properly and get dismantled will go critical and spread nuclear winds all over.
Posted by: David | January 11, 2008 at 02:03 AM
I saw something on the History Channel that we should probably all watch. "Life After People" premieres on January 21st at 9c. It will be about what will happen to the planet should most or all humans suddenly be wiped out.
It also has a mini survival guide that goes over the top essential keys to survival.
http://www.history.com/minisite.do?content_type=Minisite_Generic&content_type_id=57519&display_order=3&mini_id=57517
Posted by: Complete Geek | January 11, 2008 at 10:30 AM
By the way, that tennis ball thing for opening locks is totally bogus. The Mythbusters debunked that on one of their shows.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv7IGT33jrs
Posted by: Complete Geek | January 11, 2008 at 10:34 AM
So, speaking of Sarah Conner , have you decided on trying out loading and firing a shotgun?
Posted by: Rus | January 11, 2008 at 08:28 PM
@Rus: It's on the Intermediate Tasks list!
Posted by: the slackmistress | January 11, 2008 at 09:12 PM
You can borrow my SAS manuals if you need.
As a boy who spent 15 years fighting I have to say survival depends on not getting close enough to have to throw a punch.
I also preferred to shoot my game from 200-300 yards out as the view is better. If stuck in those close quarters I like the Mossberg Bullpup shotgun or the USAS-12. Nothing like a shotgun in mass quantity to neutralize zombies in the cave.
In the end, its all about not being noticed. :-)
Posted by: Tag | January 14, 2008 at 05:09 PM